how is it that I am constantly cast in the role of mean one? how is it that a 42 year old grownup is now pouting because I didn't want to share the french fries? how is it that he is pouting cause I didn't feel like sharing my only comfort food left after he on purpose snuck behind me to eat the rest of my other comfort food that I was saving for today? that he KNEW I was saving. Now he says I make him feel bad. ummm how do I feel when he purposely does this kind of shit to set me up as the bad guy. how do I feel when he sneaks around and does shit he knows is going to upset me. Oh right, he doesn't think of others feelings... only his own. that's how it is that I am always the bad guy and he is the freaking victim. that is how he can now justify being sulky the rest of the day. this is how he can fuel his feelings of neglect and persecution. OMFG

wow... today was rough... I woke up at like 1:30 in the afternoon, 8 1/2 hrs sleep, would have thought that was enough. But, at 4:40 or so I had an overwhelming need for a nap, slept for 4 hrs!!! now it is 2am and I am sooo ready for more sleep. An adrenalin hangover? I woke up with a killer headache, 4 Advil knocked it out pretty quick though so it was OK. But I have never felt this wired and tired. Hope tomorrow is a productive day, laundry and cleaning to do! The timing for this worked out well, with 2 days to recover... lol. Didn't think it would take so much out of me, boy was I wrong.

Met some amazing folks and helped (hope I did anyway) some pretty messed up kids. Held hands and warded off the scary thoughts of a sweet girl from UCD. Scary that this is what our kids are doing behind our backs. As a mom I was so relieved that it wasn't my daughter laying on a cot, to drunk to even stand up, to high on shrooms to think straight, taking e and drinking. Scared me silly. Still, its nice to think that if it was my daughter, at least there would be someone there to care for her and someone to call me and let me know so I could come.

I was so glad I didn't let him down. I was totally worried that I would fail somehow. That I would panic or do something totally stupid. He said I did exactly what he needed me to. So for that I am grateful.

Well since it is a day of sleeping. I am off to dreamland again!

So I am failing at the everyday thing. But, I just had the most amazing evening with the most amazing people. We worked the Skills rave at the Cow Palace. WOW. I am so "high" on the experience. People who have dedicated their lives to helping others in crisis.

How is it that just being in the same room with someone or hearing their voice over the radio can make your heart skip a beat and make you feel safe and invincible. After all these years and after all the things that have gone on between us. It is still there and I don't have any way of stopping it. To see him is something I crave, to hear his voice gives me shivers. Even when we are talking about his work or the weather (we don't ever actually talk about the weather), just the resonance of his voice is enough to give me a high.

Well it is freaking 4:30 in the morning and I have been up since 10 so I should get some sleep. I will go and dream sweet dreams and pray he offers me the opportunity to participate again. To be part of something good that does not involve anyone from my "real" life is sooooooo good for my heart and soul :-)

I'm dead.......

Here I am. Not much to say today, except my head hurts. Our fight changes nothing. He kissed up today, played hookie from work and did the things he feels guilty about not doing. Rather than a day of mental health in the positive sense, his is a day of pennance. Makes me crazy. I get so sick of the excuses and the guilt and then...... the sameness. Nothing changes.

A friend of mine twittered a "new game"; Premise: Say "I'm dead. Now what did you not tell me or what did you really wish you had done with me." My answer dear friend is that I would have followed you, I would have made love to you and honored you until you could not have imagined your life without me. I would have told you how you were everything I never knew I wanted. I would not have pushed you away. I would have chosen you and dared you to not choose me. I would have been worthy of you, rather than feeling unworthy and running away. I would tell you that I have never stopped being in love you. Every day I think of you. Every day I pray for you to find love and joy, even if its not with me. I would not have been silent. I would have poured out my heart to you. My Friend, my Lover, my Teacher, my Master. With my silence I tried to serve you, to set you free to find your love and happiness. I would tell you how deeply truely sorry I am. For every tear, for every goodbye. I love you.

Now

So I just don't know. I think I would like to have a place to have a voice, but I just feel so shut down. I have become to afraid to commit my voice to something that is tangible. I have become so afraid of having what I say be used against me. I know this sounds so victim like. On the other hand, I have become this way. The plan then has to be for me to just say something, anything, everyday. Just the way I have started doing the bike everyday. How come it is so easy for me to do what needs to be done when it isn't something that is just for me? Sometimes I feel that my whole existence is only to be on call to serve everyone else. My job is me meeting the needs of others, to make other peoples lives better and easier and to make them more productive, to serve to help. It is great that at least there I get paid for it. And I don't want it to sound like I resent my job at all. I love my job. I love being of service. I just don't like only being of service in every aspect of my life. At home, no one talks to me unless it is for their needs to be met. No one ever asks me how my day was, unless it is a lead in to how bad theirs was. And if I should reach out and want to talk, they don't listen. The eyes glaze over, they keep looking at the clock. This sounds so whinny. I just want someone to listen and hear me. I just want to have something. This was my choice. I know that. It just gets so hard sometimes to have no one to talk to. No one hold my hand. No one. I thought I was doing the right thing. I stayed in a relationship for the kid. I made my bed and I am trying to lie in it and most days I manage without much discomfort. I just fear that I have made the totally wrong choices. That I have fucked everything up. And now it is to late to do any thing about it. All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I haven't done any damage that can't be undone or overcome. But maybe I have.

Anyway, back to my having to just do it. I used to write, poetry, short stories. I used to have a voice I could write stuff down. And I need to find it again. Even if it is only here.

So, I am going to try to come here, ever day. And just talk for a couple minutes a day. Even if it is only about polotics or the wheather.

Maybe I have ruined my child, ruined myself, and maybe even him. Maybe he would have done something with his life if I had left when I had a chance. Now there are so many entanglements. The greatest of which is financial. I have no way to afford to stay here. I can't even afford a one bedroom apt on my own in this area. Then there is the child. Despite what she says, she cares about him. I will once again have made the man go away. It will be my fault, she will be hurt. I stay in the prayer that his even minor presence is some sense of stability. And I think on some level I have given her that. But there is the greater bad which is having an adult around who isn't around. Who hides in their room and worships the TV and a bottle. I put my existence on hold. I am here. I am always here. I try to be at the disposal of my child. Available if she wants. Not that she cares, and she shouldn't really. It should be something she takes for granted on some level. Just not to the point, I think, that I have no other being.

I have ceased to be an actual person. I have been celibate for 4 years. Not by choice (though I have not gone out and had affairs and I have stayed with him for the whole time, so that part is by choice, but see above for the reason behind that), he sent me out of the bedroom and has never asked me back. My crimes are trying to initiate and snoring. I have no friends to speak to, I am to "busy" being available to the child. And even if I did somehow manage to have friends, could I ever let anyone see the mess that is my non-life.

We go round and round in circles. Somehow, it is mean of me to not just shut up about the truth. Somehow, my opinion has less weight than his does. He doesn't respect me. He likes to spout out his self help bullshit while he wallows in a bottle and a TV. He wants to critisize how I am doing things, he doesn't know what the "right" way is. Oh wait, he isn't trying to say he is right, just that he has a different opinion, and oh, by the way my opinion is not "wrong" its just that his is more correct. By virtue of his being a male, or that he was privlaged enough to go to college. Not sure which of those it is, but his certainly has more weight than mine.

How do I do this for one more year? and thats all it is. Just a little over a year more. I promised myself that she should get to graduate from the same school she has attended for the majority of her high school career. I want her to have that, she has expressed that she wants the stability of not moving. After high school if she wants to leave with me then she is welcome to come. But I have to figure out how to make it this last year. I want to run away so bad some days I can't think of anything else. I cruise craigs list and dream of what my life might be like when I can leave him. How do I just do this. I am trying, and my greatest fear is that it is all wrong and her and I will have nothing left, on an emotional level, when this is over.

So I think I am done for now. She is again an hour late calling to check in. It really isn't that much to ask for. A phone call to let the mom know what is going on.