velvet and leather

i want the romanticism, the velvet, the being cherished as an object of desire, pleasure. The idea of my purpose to fulfill an other's fantasy. I think of the great loves in my life. For sure they have not all been very good for me in the emotional sense, but, they all had the gift of using sex to transport me to another state of being. They showed me a way to achieve the ultimate high, the purest ecstasy, the place where time and space dissolve. Where the physical world becomes reduced to the two of you, and then the two of you melt the existence of "reality" and for a time, connect with the greater largeness of the universe.

There are three lovers who have held my heart and even more importantly held my soul is cradle of their hearts. My first, which is guess is always sort of sacred. He could melt me, would worship me. With him i was the most beautiful the sexiest, the most desired prize...young and foolish...playing with fire...

The second...how do i describe him? a man so dark and yet radiating a blinding light...he led me from confusion to understanding...my teacher...my lover...my unrequited love...opening doors i didn't even know existed...freed me with restraints...Sir...my Lord...my master...nothing exists but for your touch and your word...punish and praise as your whim pleases you...let me serve you, please you...black velvet...soft leather...timeless...

The third showed me the magic of breath sharing...the melting of souls, the unification that can occur that sets up an energy exchange that gets your endorphins flowing and takes you to an altered state of consciousness...the feeling of floating, the being coated in a bubble of velvet...the second half...the completing of a circuit...dreams...awake and sleeping...i could feel you always...us eliminating any physical distance...high tide under a storm filled sky...

All leaves me wondering...do i get another chance at the magic? is anything worth it if the answer is no?

i feel so asexual, and yet a certain voice can trigger the most base sexual response in me. Then, i start to worry. i do not find my self attractive anymore, haven't for ages. Part of that i know is a direct response to my "partner" not finding me attractive for the last 6 years, which, btw, is PATHETIC. So now i have this wonderful cycle set up for my self, no one finds me attractive so i feel unattractive, and then i am frustrated with myself for feeling like my feelings of attractiveness are tied to someone else finding me attractive. i mean, like i will start to flirt with someone and then i totally shut down the whole thing cause i am like "i don't want to see me naked and if i don't want to see me naked then i sure as hell don't want HIM seeing me naked" viscous circle of self hatred.