I'm dead.......

Here I am. Not much to say today, except my head hurts. Our fight changes nothing. He kissed up today, played hookie from work and did the things he feels guilty about not doing. Rather than a day of mental health in the positive sense, his is a day of pennance. Makes me crazy. I get so sick of the excuses and the guilt and then...... the sameness. Nothing changes.

A friend of mine twittered a "new game"; Premise: Say "I'm dead. Now what did you not tell me or what did you really wish you had done with me." My answer dear friend is that I would have followed you, I would have made love to you and honored you until you could not have imagined your life without me. I would have told you how you were everything I never knew I wanted. I would not have pushed you away. I would have chosen you and dared you to not choose me. I would have been worthy of you, rather than feeling unworthy and running away. I would tell you that I have never stopped being in love you. Every day I think of you. Every day I pray for you to find love and joy, even if its not with me. I would not have been silent. I would have poured out my heart to you. My Friend, my Lover, my Teacher, my Master. With my silence I tried to serve you, to set you free to find your love and happiness. I would tell you how deeply truely sorry I am. For every tear, for every goodbye. I love you.