Should I say the words?
Shall I risk you not coming?
Silly questions
Plague my mind
When you leave
There is the chance
It will be the last
And my words never
To be spoken
Such a place
I find myself
With you
Longing
Wanting
Never daring
Loving

What is that you say?
The trees are talking?
The sky is falling?
The earth is floating?
The waters are rising?
The mountains are falling?!
Someone change the channel!

As a child I thought the world was a beautiful playground built just for my pleasure.

As an adolescent I learned the world was a cold and hard place that must be fought to survive.

As an adult I fought the world and with each paved road I drove and with each dollar I placed in my accounts I gained power over it.

As an older person I learned that the paved roads were getting longer and the dollars in my accounts had grown colder.

As I reached the last leg of my journey I began to see the beautiful playgrounds of my youth, there for just my pleasure, were dying.

As I lay on my bed and think of my childhood, what I see are blue skies and green grasses and fuchsia flowers and regret that I did not do something for them.

As I look down on the world I see remnants of the beautiful playgrounds and think that it is too bad that it was wasted by me.

Life Through the Back Window
looking at life
always falling back
see ahead
see aside
seeing where I am
after it has passed me by
encountering the future
receiving the consequences
see ahead
see aside
a passive observer
as life cascades by
feeling the questions
observing the answers
see ahead
see aside,
going,
turning,
curving
always losing ground
time
understanding
knowing
see ahead
see aside
must be directions,
a path being followed,
someone must know
being the catalyst
witnessing the aftermath

Have you ever felt the walls closing in?
Do you ever feel the madness rising?
Have you heard the voices screaming...
Screaming...
Screaming...Your name?
Have you felt that your only friend was death?
Do you ever wish the madness would come and save you?
Have you ever wanted to go to the place where the voices are screaming from?
I feel the walls closing in.
I can feel the madness rising.
I can hear the voices screaming....
Screaming...
Screaming...My name.
I know death is my only friend.
I have let the madness take over.
I have traveled to the place where the voices are screaming from.

How do I erase the image of your smile from my eyes?
Cease the ringing of your laughter in my ears?
Burn the memory of your touch from my flesh?
Purge my heart of wanting you?
Missing you?
Yearning for you?
I do not want this wanting
This yearning
This craving
How do I stop loving you?

The me of my dreams 

first day

Well I hope this will be the start of something interesting. Even if it turns out to be nothing more than a pathetic reliving of my life through the filter of my existance. I plan to post some of my writting on here and to just post my ramblings when I need to ramble and there is no one to listen. It will be self indulgent, it will be messy, it will be opinionated w/ out providing all the necessary "evidence" to support my opinions. I am a very emotional person and sometimes it may even be that I come back the next day and change my opinion entirely. I created this for me to express myself and I set it up to let everyone read it so your welcome to read, and if its appropriate to comment, but don't expect me to indulge you, this is an entirely selfish experiment and thats it.

Well I need to get my self dressed and made up and go out into the world, its Costco and Trader Joes day, the day of shopping and doing laundry. If I am lucky I might even get to mop the floor later. Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't rain on us!