how is it that I am constantly cast in the role of mean one? how is it that a 42 year old grownup is now pouting because I didn't want to share the french fries? how is it that he is pouting cause I didn't feel like sharing my only comfort food left after he on purpose snuck behind me to eat the rest of my other comfort food that I was saving for today? that he KNEW I was saving. Now he says I make him feel bad. ummm how do I feel when he purposely does this kind of shit to set me up as the bad guy. how do I feel when he sneaks around and does shit he knows is going to upset me. Oh right, he doesn't think of others feelings... only his own. that's how it is that I am always the bad guy and he is the freaking victim. that is how he can now justify being sulky the rest of the day. this is how he can fuel his feelings of neglect and persecution. OMFG

wow... today was rough... I woke up at like 1:30 in the afternoon, 8 1/2 hrs sleep, would have thought that was enough. But, at 4:40 or so I had an overwhelming need for a nap, slept for 4 hrs!!! now it is 2am and I am sooo ready for more sleep. An adrenalin hangover? I woke up with a killer headache, 4 Advil knocked it out pretty quick though so it was OK. But I have never felt this wired and tired. Hope tomorrow is a productive day, laundry and cleaning to do! The timing for this worked out well, with 2 days to recover... lol. Didn't think it would take so much out of me, boy was I wrong.

Met some amazing folks and helped (hope I did anyway) some pretty messed up kids. Held hands and warded off the scary thoughts of a sweet girl from UCD. Scary that this is what our kids are doing behind our backs. As a mom I was so relieved that it wasn't my daughter laying on a cot, to drunk to even stand up, to high on shrooms to think straight, taking e and drinking. Scared me silly. Still, its nice to think that if it was my daughter, at least there would be someone there to care for her and someone to call me and let me know so I could come.

I was so glad I didn't let him down. I was totally worried that I would fail somehow. That I would panic or do something totally stupid. He said I did exactly what he needed me to. So for that I am grateful.

Well since it is a day of sleeping. I am off to dreamland again!

So I am failing at the everyday thing. But, I just had the most amazing evening with the most amazing people. We worked the Skills rave at the Cow Palace. WOW. I am so "high" on the experience. People who have dedicated their lives to helping others in crisis.

How is it that just being in the same room with someone or hearing their voice over the radio can make your heart skip a beat and make you feel safe and invincible. After all these years and after all the things that have gone on between us. It is still there and I don't have any way of stopping it. To see him is something I crave, to hear his voice gives me shivers. Even when we are talking about his work or the weather (we don't ever actually talk about the weather), just the resonance of his voice is enough to give me a high.

Well it is freaking 4:30 in the morning and I have been up since 10 so I should get some sleep. I will go and dream sweet dreams and pray he offers me the opportunity to participate again. To be part of something good that does not involve anyone from my "real" life is sooooooo good for my heart and soul :-)

I'm dead.......

Here I am. Not much to say today, except my head hurts. Our fight changes nothing. He kissed up today, played hookie from work and did the things he feels guilty about not doing. Rather than a day of mental health in the positive sense, his is a day of pennance. Makes me crazy. I get so sick of the excuses and the guilt and then...... the sameness. Nothing changes.

A friend of mine twittered a "new game"; Premise: Say "I'm dead. Now what did you not tell me or what did you really wish you had done with me." My answer dear friend is that I would have followed you, I would have made love to you and honored you until you could not have imagined your life without me. I would have told you how you were everything I never knew I wanted. I would not have pushed you away. I would have chosen you and dared you to not choose me. I would have been worthy of you, rather than feeling unworthy and running away. I would tell you that I have never stopped being in love you. Every day I think of you. Every day I pray for you to find love and joy, even if its not with me. I would not have been silent. I would have poured out my heart to you. My Friend, my Lover, my Teacher, my Master. With my silence I tried to serve you, to set you free to find your love and happiness. I would tell you how deeply truely sorry I am. For every tear, for every goodbye. I love you.