I'm dead.......

Here I am. Not much to say today, except my head hurts. Our fight changes nothing. He kissed up today, played hookie from work and did the things he feels guilty about not doing. Rather than a day of mental health in the positive sense, his is a day of pennance. Makes me crazy. I get so sick of the excuses and the guilt and then...... the sameness. Nothing changes.

A friend of mine twittered a "new game"; Premise: Say "I'm dead. Now what did you not tell me or what did you really wish you had done with me." My answer dear friend is that I would have followed you, I would have made love to you and honored you until you could not have imagined your life without me. I would have told you how you were everything I never knew I wanted. I would not have pushed you away. I would have chosen you and dared you to not choose me. I would have been worthy of you, rather than feeling unworthy and running away. I would tell you that I have never stopped being in love you. Every day I think of you. Every day I pray for you to find love and joy, even if its not with me. I would not have been silent. I would have poured out my heart to you. My Friend, my Lover, my Teacher, my Master. With my silence I tried to serve you, to set you free to find your love and happiness. I would tell you how deeply truely sorry I am. For every tear, for every goodbye. I love you.

Now

So I just don't know. I think I would like to have a place to have a voice, but I just feel so shut down. I have become to afraid to commit my voice to something that is tangible. I have become so afraid of having what I say be used against me. I know this sounds so victim like. On the other hand, I have become this way. The plan then has to be for me to just say something, anything, everyday. Just the way I have started doing the bike everyday. How come it is so easy for me to do what needs to be done when it isn't something that is just for me? Sometimes I feel that my whole existence is only to be on call to serve everyone else. My job is me meeting the needs of others, to make other peoples lives better and easier and to make them more productive, to serve to help. It is great that at least there I get paid for it. And I don't want it to sound like I resent my job at all. I love my job. I love being of service. I just don't like only being of service in every aspect of my life. At home, no one talks to me unless it is for their needs to be met. No one ever asks me how my day was, unless it is a lead in to how bad theirs was. And if I should reach out and want to talk, they don't listen. The eyes glaze over, they keep looking at the clock. This sounds so whinny. I just want someone to listen and hear me. I just want to have something. This was my choice. I know that. It just gets so hard sometimes to have no one to talk to. No one hold my hand. No one. I thought I was doing the right thing. I stayed in a relationship for the kid. I made my bed and I am trying to lie in it and most days I manage without much discomfort. I just fear that I have made the totally wrong choices. That I have fucked everything up. And now it is to late to do any thing about it. All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I haven't done any damage that can't be undone or overcome. But maybe I have.

Anyway, back to my having to just do it. I used to write, poetry, short stories. I used to have a voice I could write stuff down. And I need to find it again. Even if it is only here.

So, I am going to try to come here, ever day. And just talk for a couple minutes a day. Even if it is only about polotics or the wheather.

Maybe I have ruined my child, ruined myself, and maybe even him. Maybe he would have done something with his life if I had left when I had a chance. Now there are so many entanglements. The greatest of which is financial. I have no way to afford to stay here. I can't even afford a one bedroom apt on my own in this area. Then there is the child. Despite what she says, she cares about him. I will once again have made the man go away. It will be my fault, she will be hurt. I stay in the prayer that his even minor presence is some sense of stability. And I think on some level I have given her that. But there is the greater bad which is having an adult around who isn't around. Who hides in their room and worships the TV and a bottle. I put my existence on hold. I am here. I am always here. I try to be at the disposal of my child. Available if she wants. Not that she cares, and she shouldn't really. It should be something she takes for granted on some level. Just not to the point, I think, that I have no other being.

I have ceased to be an actual person. I have been celibate for 4 years. Not by choice (though I have not gone out and had affairs and I have stayed with him for the whole time, so that part is by choice, but see above for the reason behind that), he sent me out of the bedroom and has never asked me back. My crimes are trying to initiate and snoring. I have no friends to speak to, I am to "busy" being available to the child. And even if I did somehow manage to have friends, could I ever let anyone see the mess that is my non-life.

We go round and round in circles. Somehow, it is mean of me to not just shut up about the truth. Somehow, my opinion has less weight than his does. He doesn't respect me. He likes to spout out his self help bullshit while he wallows in a bottle and a TV. He wants to critisize how I am doing things, he doesn't know what the "right" way is. Oh wait, he isn't trying to say he is right, just that he has a different opinion, and oh, by the way my opinion is not "wrong" its just that his is more correct. By virtue of his being a male, or that he was privlaged enough to go to college. Not sure which of those it is, but his certainly has more weight than mine.

How do I do this for one more year? and thats all it is. Just a little over a year more. I promised myself that she should get to graduate from the same school she has attended for the majority of her high school career. I want her to have that, she has expressed that she wants the stability of not moving. After high school if she wants to leave with me then she is welcome to come. But I have to figure out how to make it this last year. I want to run away so bad some days I can't think of anything else. I cruise craigs list and dream of what my life might be like when I can leave him. How do I just do this. I am trying, and my greatest fear is that it is all wrong and her and I will have nothing left, on an emotional level, when this is over.

So I think I am done for now. She is again an hour late calling to check in. It really isn't that much to ask for. A phone call to let the mom know what is going on.

Deep Discount DVD - EVIL

This company is evil. They screwed up a Christmas order I placed with them. I ordered with them because they said the movies were in stock and would ship right away. I didn't order w/ Amazon cause they said the movies wouldn't ship until after the holidays. I ordered on 12/9 and they didn't ship anything until the 22nd. Then what they did ship was completely the wrong movie. I had to run out Christmas Eve and try to find replacements. I sent them back their movie and they said they would credit my card as soon as they received the wrong movie back. They not only did not credit my card after a month, they sent me a notice that they were sending me my order! I contacted them again and said that the movies had better be free since I specifically told them that I wanted my money back and not the movies since I went out and purchased them already. Now they have credited and re-charged my card all on the same day. They respond to cs@deepdiscountdvd.com w/ e-mail address that do not accept e-mails. So you respond to their e-mail, only to find it bounced back to you 12 hrs later. This company has been completely impossible to deal with.

I do a lot of my shopping online and I deal with any issues regarding my orders via e-mail. I do not work for a company that allows any personal calls and I don't have forever to wait for someone to answer a phone after going through a 10 min phone tree. They make it impossible to achieve any resolution. I have asked them to call me numerous times. They will not even acknowledge that I have done this or that I have repeatedly asked them how come I can't respond to their e-mails to me. This company is BAD.

iRobot

I just have to say that I received an iRobot Roomba Scheduler www.irobot.com last year for my birthday and I have LOVED it. We have hardwood floors and 3 long hair cats (one of which is pushing her way on to my lap as I type) Roomba has been a wonderful addition to our home. The cats ignore her and the cat hair dissapears :-) No more little balls of cat fur following around the humans. Recently my Roomba became lame, one of her little rolling legs became bent :-( and she would only go round in circles and then stop and beep sadly. I contacted iRobot and they have a replacement program where you can replace the Roomba for $95.00 when they are out of warranty, as mine was. You pay to ship the old one to them but they pay to ship the new one to you, just as soon as they receive the old one. I must say that the customer service was excellent and, not to be racist, the customer service folks actuall spoke english as their first language and so were very easy to work with. Calling wasn't a nightmare of phone trees either, a humam was easily reached, and they actually promptly answer their customer service e-mails also. Raves for iRobot! for a product that delivers to expectations and to their customer service team that actually provides customer service.