first meeting

rushing between class...i see you down the hall... the light falling through the skylight dancing in your hair...time stops, all i hear is silence, all i see is you... i sense what you will do at the same time you do...it was like all my life was waiting for this moment...you came towards me, taking my face between your palms, running your fingers through my hair, drawing them together at the back of my neck, gently firmly pulling my neck back, quietly forcing me to look at you...nothing exists now but for your face, your eyes, your lips... your voice... how did you know? how did i know? you said you had seen me around, wanted to meet me...first time we made love it was as thought we had been partners forever...meeting like the shore and the ocean...how did you know i would let you...how did i know you would...magic...magic moments in time...how do i forget...

leather and darkness...an existance of sensation...where nothing else exists, no sounds, no sensation of temperature or time... only what he is doing, only what he is saying.

time

how do you pick up a friendship with someone who totally and utterly broke your heart? a friendship with someone who ran off with a piece of your soul? Do they still have it or did they lose it somewhere in their journey to someplace that didn't include you?

crazy time

Been working my ass off, daughter graduated from HS (YAY!!) by the skin of her teeth, mom visiting, spent all week driving off to look at properties after work, trying to put in an offer on Friday, while attending HS graduation and celebrations, drove 6 hrs to view the college of daughters choice on Saturday morning, while still trying to make an offer, spent Sat night out of technology range, 6 hr drive back on Sunday, get home and still trying to put in an offer. Goddess help me but I would sell my soul for someone to slide their fingers in my hair, grab a handful of it and whisper against into my neck "now I am in charge".

velvet and leather

i want the romanticism, the velvet, the being cherished as an object of desire, pleasure. The idea of my purpose to fulfill an other's fantasy. I think of the great loves in my life. For sure they have not all been very good for me in the emotional sense, but, they all had the gift of using sex to transport me to another state of being. They showed me a way to achieve the ultimate high, the purest ecstasy, the place where time and space dissolve. Where the physical world becomes reduced to the two of you, and then the two of you melt the existence of "reality" and for a time, connect with the greater largeness of the universe.

There are three lovers who have held my heart and even more importantly held my soul is cradle of their hearts. My first, which is guess is always sort of sacred. He could melt me, would worship me. With him i was the most beautiful the sexiest, the most desired prize...young and foolish...playing with fire...

The second...how do i describe him? a man so dark and yet radiating a blinding light...he led me from confusion to understanding...my teacher...my lover...my unrequited love...opening doors i didn't even know existed...freed me with restraints...Sir...my Lord...my master...nothing exists but for your touch and your word...punish and praise as your whim pleases you...let me serve you, please you...black velvet...soft leather...timeless...

The third showed me the magic of breath sharing...the melting of souls, the unification that can occur that sets up an energy exchange that gets your endorphins flowing and takes you to an altered state of consciousness...the feeling of floating, the being coated in a bubble of velvet...the second half...the completing of a circuit...dreams...awake and sleeping...i could feel you always...us eliminating any physical distance...high tide under a storm filled sky...

All leaves me wondering...do i get another chance at the magic? is anything worth it if the answer is no?

i feel so asexual, and yet a certain voice can trigger the most base sexual response in me. Then, i start to worry. i do not find my self attractive anymore, haven't for ages. Part of that i know is a direct response to my "partner" not finding me attractive for the last 6 years, which, btw, is PATHETIC. So now i have this wonderful cycle set up for my self, no one finds me attractive so i feel unattractive, and then i am frustrated with myself for feeling like my feelings of attractiveness are tied to someone else finding me attractive. i mean, like i will start to flirt with someone and then i totally shut down the whole thing cause i am like "i don't want to see me naked and if i don't want to see me naked then i sure as hell don't want HIM seeing me naked" viscous circle of self hatred.

Maybe they are right... I am a mean person.... Better living through denial?

And when I fail ..... There is never forgiveness.... Some times I just want to stop this shit business of living

Why do I feel like I have to always be the nicest and the most perfect???

AND..... You can't take coffee into court!!!!

Jury duty... A whole new experience for me

I have started to be much more aware of the pitch of my voice

Magic

A friend asked me tonight about my magical practices. As she asked I realized that I haven't done any readings or magical sessions in ages. Then the conversation went to astrological signs. We go online to check out what the Love Signs are for her Aries sign. And there of course is also a description of the lesson of my sign, Scorpio, "Scorpio offers a lesson on sex, and how love is expressed through both passion and surrender." and then it dawns on me. Probably the last time I had dreamed or practiced magic was about the same time frame as when I stopped having sex. I realize that like magic is a crucial part of my soul, so is sex. For me the two are inseparable (I think I have posted about this before). Sex is a conductor of the magic. Sex breaks down the psychic walls that hinder the practice of magic. It allows me to ground. I mentioned that this period of my life is the longest I have ever gone without sex since I lost my virginity at 18. I have virtually always had a sexual partner in my life. Not that I have been a serial monogamist hopping from one guy to the next. Most of them were simply friends with which there was a chemical reaction but no romantic interest. I was able to form a spiritual and physical connection with men who held no romantic interest for me. Through the act of sex and physical bonding with them I kept my self grounded and connected to the greater mystery. Solo sex has never done it for me, I mean I can get physical release, but there is no feeling of connectedness with the universe like there is when I am with someone I have sex with. I propose that sex should not be "making love" but should be "making magic"!

And never do I feel the rise of magic and connectedness like when I am in my element of passion and surrender. I miss magic. I am adding to my wish list: I want magic.

i am looking for a master who will love the slave... ultimately i dream of having a master who will love the woman... a master who will love and cherish all of me... who will look at me and call be by name with the same adoration as he calls his slave... am i tragically romantic or crazy to want to be possessed body, soul and mind... i have been the possessed and the possessor... can i hope to find my Heathcliff, with out the tragic ending, or have i already lost that chance.. i year to be tamed, to be owned, and yet adored for my impishness and all the pleasure and pain it brings

in the kitchen

sometimes i just find myself standing somewhere random and suddenly the state of my life slams into me; physically i lose my breath and feel like i have been punched.  How easy it is to distract ones self from the day to day-ness of it all

i want

i want to find myself

i want to find my master

i want to find my home

i want to feel

i want to feel my own skin

i want to feel the touch of my master

i want community

i want to love

i want to be loved

i want to be free

218 days

It is so weird that I have made it this long and now, all these years of sleeping alone, now I can't sleep in my own bed. It has become a dumping ground for clean clothes. I am back on the couch. I am so tired of being this lonely and yet not being alone.

The Date

ohhhhh... a 'date' with my favorite person

soon to be single me .... hmmmm... has a nice ring to it... though I do wonder just what that will mean, being 40 and single is not the same as being single and 33...

Good Things!

I have been good... been keeping up the bike.... I should say the good things to I suppose... lol... I have started volunteering at the Homeless Cat Network and have been there twice now, I love all the kitties, they almost all simply scared little critters. My boss told a third person that I am the best ever! That is a very good thing! especially since raises are around the corner... I would really like the promotion, but.... money is next best!